Adjusting to Marriage

There are so many reasons why people choose to not marry.  Fear of commitment, convenience of cohabitation, fear of incompatibility and/or inability to provide, and misconception of expectations of marriage are just a few of these reasons.  What people seem to not realize, as I mentioned in a previous post, is that dating (as well as socializing in general) is beneficial to marriage and really helps people prepare for such a step.  Dating actually helps you with the idea of commitment.  As you go on dates, you "commit" yourself to someone for a few hours and learn to trust them.

As most married couples can tell you,  there are a lot of things that people don't realize they will need to work out with their new spouse as they start their lives together. Don't get me wrong, marriage is a wonderful part of life, these are just things that should be considered as you start thinking about getting married and even adjusting in those first few months of marriage.  This is a list of a few adjustments that I have collected from many married couples:

1. As funny as it sounds, you might have a hard time sleeping with someone next to you and/or waking up to someone in your bed.  I have heard many stories of people not getting any sleep the first month of their marriage, because they aren't used to having another 'being' that close to them while they sleep.  
2. Another thing that goes along with the first one is actually living with someone other than your family or roommates.  When you were dating and engaged, you could get dressed up before you saw them.  Now, when you are married, you see them before you even brush your teeth in the morning.  
3. Finances - this is a big one.  Once you are married, you share everything (generally speaking).  This includes money.  You will need to find a system that works best for you and your spouse that you both agree on and are satisfied with. 
4. Daily routines and home roles - who does what chore and has what responsibility?
5. In-laws is another big adjustment.  Boundaries will need to be clearly established and respected.  
6. What are your life goals?  Does your spouse have similar or complimentary ones? 
7. Adjust to each others' love language.  If you don't know what they are, need to refresh your memory, or even just feel like reading about them, you can click HERE to go to the main website.  You and your spouse may not have the same language, so it would be greatly beneficial to find out each others and use them.

The Dating Game: A Prequel to Marriage

Dating isn’t what it used to be.  Nowadays, people think that the only reason to date is to if you want to marry someone, but this is not the case.  The 5 functions of dating are:

1. Recreation – Just have fun! Go on a date to get away from the stress of school or work.
2. Status Attainment – By dating various types of people, you get to have a whole new network of friends that are all different.
3. Socialization – One thing that people have a hard time doing recently is working with others.  By going on dates, you learn to interact and socialize with people that are not on the computer or phone.
4.  Intimacy and companionship – This does not mean that you need to be physically involved with someone.  This is more of the idea of needing physical interaction with people.  You feel needed and appreciated when you are physically with someone.
5. Finding a mate – This is the more stereotypical function.  Ultimately, you should be able to find a person to marry, but only after you have reached the point where you are ready to marry, and are satisfied with the idea of only dating this one person for the rest of your life. 

You should be trying to find ‘a’ right spouse, not ‘the’ right spouse.  Odds are, you aren’t going to find that one person that is perfect in every way.   A good marriage is crafted, not found.  Forget about the Cinderella Syndrome – if you want to have a good marriage, you have to work towards it.  

Dating isn’t meant to be stressful.  Try not to get carried away with the pressure of finding the perfect guy or girl to date.  Meet new people and socialize in a bunch of different ways, but most importantly, have fun!

Socal Class

Let’s face it – everywhere you look, there is social diversity.  People tend to get defined by their social class and their race.  This can be good or bad.  The misconception with this, though, is that social class is bad and demeaning.  It’s also difficult to discuss social class because everyone has a different definition for it.  This following video is of a couple that is engaged, discussing how they are from different social classes.  

Family Interaction and Boundaries

       It is often said that “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.”  Let’s take a cake for an example.  You wouldn’t want to get a bag of flour and eggs on your birthday – you would want a cake!  All of the ingredients alone are good, but together, they make something great.  This is like a family.  Alone, each member can be successful, but when they all work together, it make something that is indescribably special.   

       Another part of families that this touches on is how family members interact with each other, and the boundaries help determine this.  A child is typically more comfortable with one parent than the other, which throws off the boundaries a little.  However, parents and children should work on having a balance relationship between each member of the family.  The following cartoon shows how the boundaries between parents and children can be a little too unclear, which can result in the parents being too overprotective of their child.

Keeping "Love" in Marriage

       Divorce rates are extremely high nowadays, and is progressively on an increasing trend.  I have actually recently talked to my oldest sister, who is married, about how she has been able to stay happy in her marriage, and she had provided my with the following advice.

       Before you marry, there are so things that you need to do in preparation.  First, date a lot of people.  You want to see the kind of personalities and characteristics that best suits yours and make sure that you are certain that that person is who you want to be married to for time and all eternity.  Also, when dating, talk about major things that could make or break a marriage, such as how many children you want to have, how you want to raise them, finances, life goals, and each other’s views on topics.  Lastly, you need to learn to compromise now, so that it isn’t as hard when you are married.  All of these things will help you make the best decision when choosing who and when to marry.

       Finding your spouse is about making the right choice; marriage is about making the choice right. 

      In any given situation, stand up for yourself and always support your spouse.  Don’t go and vent to family and friends about your spouse.  You should find both the good and bad in your spouse, and that is between the two of you, not anybody else.  Be open and honest with each other.  Confide in things with each other. This will help eliminate problems, as well as bring you closer together emotionally and spiritually.  Compromise with each other.  One spouse isn’t ever supposed to be greater than the other, so both need to work together and sacrifice for each other.  Be patient, adapt, and overcome.  Because both spouses are most likely to have been raised differently and have their own personalities, there are going to be times where they disagree.  You must be patient with each other and find a middle ground to adapt to, in order to overcome the issue.  Have family outings and activities, whether you have children or not.  I feel that all of these things will help unify you and your spouse and hopefully decrease the likelihood of divorce.

Here is a video called Expressions of Love and shows couples in various stages in marriage and how they show love for each other.

Ready, Set, BLOG!

Hello, Everyone!  This is a blog that I am starting for my Family Relations class.  I plan to share stories, insights, and inspirational thoughts that I have acquired while in this class, as well as answer any questions that people may have.  I would like to continue this blog after the semester is over, so it will change a little bit at that point.  I have blogged before, but am new to Blogger, and I will try my best to give a variety of different entries, such as traditional journal-type entries, pictures, videos, and so forth.